Friday, 18 September 2015

Fears and honesty

September 18, 2015

18. What fear have you conquered?

The interesting thing about this prompt is that I was going to skip a prompt and talk about something else. However, after seeing what the question is, I'm pretty positive I can tie it in to what I wanted to write about.

I wrote this post a couple of days ago: Birthday Post. It was about my birthday, about my year, things I thought I had accomplished and goals I either did or didn't.

I said in it that I didn't think I had been brave. When I wrote this I meant I hadn't tried new things. I don't feel like I was as fearless as I could have been. 

The year before, I sent my book in to be published. That was fearless. 

I didn't really do anything this year like that. Or at least, while writing the post, I didn't think I had done anything. 

A friend commented when I shared the post on Facebook. I'm just going to share her comment to share her words:

 "I'd like to just make an observation... As far as being brave goes. You are sharing so freely, not just the shiny sparkly Facebook version of you, you're sharing the whole enchilada, if that isn't incredibly brave I don't know what is."

I actually think I spend a lot of time on the shiny sparkly Facebook version of me, but I don't do it because I want to show off about my great life. I do it because I don't want to be negative. I want to feel grateful for my life, so I share the good. 

I guess I've shared the bad - like the 'We aren't going to publish you' letters. To be honest, I've had a good year. I bravely took another bold step with Clint, and we bravely bought a house, and we got ourselves a puppy companion.  

Here's something I haven't spoken about on my blog, and I won't talk about on Facebook (other than sharing the post).

A long time ago, I discussed the fact that Clint and I don't know if we want to have kids or not. I wrote a post that said we might decide to try or we might not. (I just looked back, and I don't know what I named it, so I can't link to it at the moment.)

Basically, I left it at that.

When I first started blogging (, I was talking about my miscarriage. I also spoke about my depression a little bit. I didn't want to be quiet about it. I wanted to share what I had gone through. It was self healing. I had a purpose in my blogging at that point. 

I just blog to blog now. I talk about different issues, different experiences, and different prompts.

Today, I want to tell a truth that I for some reason have felt the need to keep quiet.

Clint and I are trying to have a baby. We've been trying for only a couple of months, but I'm already impatient. 

And scared. I try to be positive about things in my life, but this isn't so easy. I fear a lot of what's happening.

I fear not being able to get pregnant. (Even though, I did it once by accident, quite well - 6 years ago). 

I fear another miscarriage.

I fear that if it does work out, I won't be a good Mom.

I fear I fear I fear.

Am I conquering it? Well, I'm trying to have a baby, so I guess I'm working on it. 

Even with the short time we've been working on it, I find myself a little too worried or obsessed with what will happen. 

Here's a truth: if I don't get pregnant; if Clint and I don't have kids; we will be okay. We will still live a great life, and we will still be happy and in love. 

I just hope I still believe that if it doesn't happen. 

Even though you know I'm trying, I won't be making any kind of announcement if it does happen until I'm comfortable with doing so. Until I'm over the fear that it still might not work out. 

I took a picture yesterday, and I want to post it with a saying I just found that almost fits perfectly.

I should really consider learning how to do this. I'm pretty good at the grateful thing, and that was a place I worked hard to get to. However, I'm not good at thinking positive thoughts about the future. I know I will be happy even if I have to struggle to be, but I try to be more realistic about my life. Maybe more dreaming would be better in these cases.

I'm not sure what will happen with my future. I'm not sure if I'll have a baby. However, I am not going to fear trying. I don't know if this makes me brave. I don't think so, but people see bravery in different ways. 

I was scared to share that we were trying in case it doesn't happen. Also because it isn't something I know how to bring up. It's also something I don't want to discuss all the time, and the more people know, the more I'm worried about the questions and advice. I'm not going to be scared to talk about my life, my fears, my dreams. 

I've conquered many fears in my life, some just by living, some on purpose. I'll conquer many more as my life continues.

Thanks for reading.

As always,

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

©ErinLeahMcCrea All photos I share on my blogs are my own, please Ask Me For Permission Before Using Them.

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  1. Yeah. That makes you brave, girl. Not an expert practitioner myself, but I know it when I see it.