Thursday, 2 March 2017

Loved Ones Lost

March 2, 2016

There isn't one day that I don't think of somebody I have lost. Usually, a happy thought or memory. 

I have had the privilege to speak at three funerals. I say privilege because that's exactly what it is. To be asked to speak in front of your loved one's loved ones, and get to say one last thing about how much you will miss them is a privilege. 

It's also scary as hell. It's heartbreaking and it's really hard to get through.

The reason I'm talking about this is because a couple of days ago I was looking at my 'On This Day' on Facebook, and saw  my Aunt's obituary. She died four years ago on February 25th. The On This Day has happy memories as well as sad ones for me. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's my life (from 2007 on.)

Her death was heartbreaking. I had lost grandparents, I lost Cameron, and then my aunt died, and it seemed unfair. 

She was a wonderful woman. Strong, loving, kind, opinionated. She saw the best in the people she loved. 

She was one of my favourite people.

Maybe I've already spoken about her before in posts. 

It's different now. When I see memories of people lost, I automatically think about Anthony. I wish they could meet him. I wish he could meet them.

My aunt would have loved my baby. He would have given her his best smiles.

There are so many people I would have loved to have met Anthony. My grandparents. My aunt. Cameron. My great uncle Bud. 

Losing people is a reality that I was lucky enough not to face most of my life. Now that I have had to deal with it, I wouldn't wish it on my baby. I hope he doesn't have to deal with it, but I know he will. 

He doesn't get to meet the people I've lost. He will get to hear about them though. 

He will hear how my Aunt Marilyn stood up for what she believed in, and how she would have thought he was the greatest little guy ever.

He'll hear how Grandma McCrea was everybody's favourite Grandma - even the ones who weren't related to her. 

I haven't mentioned my Grandfather McCrea because he died before me. I've only hear stories and memories.

He'll hear how my Grandpa Burton used to make the kids jump with his loud singing voice, and how he made me laugh. He'll hear how my Grandma Burton loved her family first. She was ridiculously proud of every single accomplishment, and would have been so proud of him.

He'll hear about Cameron. He'd know that Cam was a great friend, and that if you could learn anything from him, it would be to laugh with all your might.

And of course, my Great Uncle Bud. He'll grow up hearing a lot of stories about that man. A man who was like a third grandfather.

I've lost people. Anthony won't meet them, but I'll make sure to tell him all about my loved ones lost. 

I often look at him, and even though I don't believe in it, I hope one of them is looking down on him and smiling. It makes me want to believe.   

I'm going to lose more people in my life. I don't want to, but I will. I can't stop it, and I can't be sad about it (but I will). I can talk about them. I can share memories. I can write about them. I can remind my little A how much they would have loved him, or do love him. 

This is kind of a dreary entry, but it is what was on my mind. I'm happy. I've lost people, but I'm happy. I can spend my whole life wishing Anthony could have met them, but it won't happen. 

I was lucky to have had them in MY life, and I am who I am, I am the mother I am, because they were in my life.

I'll let my little one know.

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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